In the Year Two Thousaaaaand

Well, I’ve been writing about nothing but my birthday for a solid month now, and I’m beginning to feel like an egomaniacal prick, so today’s article offers something a little different. Inspired by the last few paragraphs of this post, my pal Ryan and I have decided to gaze into the future and review several Beers of Tomorrow! as shown to us by our “time machine” (an affectionate nickname for the beers of today). So put on your vacuum-sealed space masks, folks; this article is going to suck the oxygen right out of your lungs. Because you’ll be laughing so hard. Or something. Uh … I’ll let you start, Ryan.

Ryan’s Pick No. 1 | Red Planet Ale:

Hailing from Mars — yes I said it, a brewery actually brews beer on the surface of Mars — we have a very complex and delicious red beer from the planet of the same color. Behind the oxygen-pumping walls of the highly secure and aptly named Total Recall Brewery we find a beer with very interesting ingredients. Brewed with water from the melted ice caps of mars and hops that were imported from the rare and vacuous edges of space — it seems that the aforementioned hops were accidentally shot into space on the heels of a space shuttle and have been floating there for ages and, frozen in the deep cold of endless black, yielded a citrusy cold taste that is unmatched. But regardless of where it came from, it is very multifaceted. At first you are attacked with a smooth and drinkable flavor that, although very bitter, is surprisingly deep and refreshing. As it warms, the hoppiness becomes more and more apparent, and the once frozen waters of Mars add a degree of earthiness that is unheard of, which is odd since it isn’t from Earth. Also, I swear to you that I saw a Martian face in the foam as it dissipated in my glass.

Alien images aside, this beer is one of the more easily drinkable and incredibly tasty reds out there now (editor’s note: an ever-popular style, there are now more than 15 billion amber ales on the galactic market). Choose this one over the Sunspot Red or Space Station Amber that seem to saturate our Digital Grocery Purchasers (DGPs) and you will find a truly delicious beer, but don’t be surprised if little green men knock at your door… apparently, some of the ingredients were stolen from their underground lairs.

Scott’s Pick No. 1 | Soylent Stout:

This dark ale from Soylent Brewery, makers of the ubiquitous yet strangely unpopular Soylent Amber and Soylent Blond, is surprisingly easygoing for a stout. Its earthy flavor profile, which hints at toasted biscuits and soy with an aftertaste that reminds me a bit of processed chicken, really hits the spot after navigating the sardine-can streets of our overpopulated future-Earth. It has some roasted coffee flavors too, which makes me think the brewers might have augmented this stout with another of their products: Soylent Coffee. Now that’s a great cup of Joe!*

For some reason the brewery refuses to release the ingredients list, so I guess we’ll never know. But these down-to-earth, everyman flavors feel so human that I can’t stay mad at them. Drinking Soylent Stout is a lot like having your buddies for dinner and a beer. By the way, where is Frank?

*Credit for the coffee joke goes to Ben Kessler. The rest was all me, baby.

Ryan’s Pick No. 2 | Post-Apocalyptic Porter:

I don’t know about you, but whenever I wake up from 50 years of hyperbaric sleep I tend to get a wicked case of cottonmouth.  So I went into the kitchen, which was looking a little bare except for a bottle that emitted a rather iridescent green glow with a label reading Post-Apocalyptic Porter. I had picked it up at a bazaar a few decades earlier because I was intrigued by it, but I forgot that it was in there. So, seeing that I didn’t have anything else to drink, I cleaned a glass and poured myself some. The radiant green becomes much brighter mid-pour, and an aroma of coffee and black licorice seemed to leap into my nostrils. Overpowering as it was it in no way prepared me for the taste. My taste buds were slammed with smoked hickory and raisins, and although it poured like crude petrol its taste was far from gasoline, though the ABV made it close at a buzz-inducing 25%.  This is a very robust beer and as it warmed up the smokiness was even more pronounced, but the aftertaste was surprisingly earthy with a faint taste of … fallout!? No joke, and for those of you who didn’t know or care to know, fallout tastes a lot like a burnt cement. Which is a perfect segue into a brief history of this intriguing yet frightening brew.

There was once a quaint little brewery just outside of Portland that made subtle yet complex beers and had been the anchor of its town for quite some time.  They were known for having a very delicious porter and had won many awards for it. One day, they were preparing to crack open a few new casks in their basement when there was a huge explosion: A nuclear bomb had dropped 5 miles away and laid waste to the town, but the casks by some fated series of events remained unharmed. Years of radiation snuck into where the beer was aging, and that’s why this bottle illuminates like a flawless emerald.

Now you may be wondering, “Holy crap, is that even safe to drink!?” My answer to that question is an emphatic yes! By the way, I’ve noticed something that looks like an arm protruding from my knee cap … it’s probably nothing.

Scott’s Pick No. 2 | Doppelganger Doppelbock:

Sounds like that porter comes with one hell of a hangover. Anyway, my first beer is a dark, potent, German-style lager that’s brewed using only cloned ingredients, which explains the high price and unnervingly consistent flavor profile. The engineers at Labrewtory (their word, not mine) have tweaked this beer to perfection, evolving flavors of raisins, molasses, and a slight vanilla undercurrent from the secondary fermentation in oak petri dishes.

Aside from consistency, one of the beer’s main selling points is its accelerated aging. I once kept a bottle in my futurized refrigeration closet (or “fridge” as the people of the future call it … crazy!) for two weeks, and the beer tasted as if I’d aged it 10 years! So, if you love cellaring your beer but hate waiting to drink it, Doppelganger is the lager for you. One word of warning: If you let it sit too long, the results can be … unfavorable. And by unfavorable, I mean mutated. I once forgot a bottle in the back of my fridge, and when I finally opened the door, a voice rougher than sandpaper cursed at me for letting the cold air out. I bought a new fridge that day, but it didn’t stop me from buying more bottles of this beer!

Final Pick | Space Pale Ale:

Ryan: Dude, put your VR glasses down, I got us some bottles of Apollo 11’s Space Pale Ale.

Scott: What? I’ve never heard of it. Better be good … I’m about to beat level 12 and get 10,000 points in this retro game called “What People From the 21st Century Who Didn’t Like Video Games Thought All Video Games Were Like.”

Ryan: I just told you, it’s the Space Pale! Brewed in casks fermenting in orbit above Earth.

Scott: Who in God’s name would ferment beer in space? Does fermenting in a vacuum attribute some special properties to the beer? Actually, now that I think about it, some astronauts (you know, those lucky few who traveled into space during humanity’s early explorations — we now just call them “everyone”) tried taking beer into space back in their day. From what I read, the beer tasted great; their only complained was not being able to make a foam head in zero gravity.

Ryan: That may be true, but the casks were lined with NASA-designed insulation to promote co2 retention — and plus, the freezing cold of space led the water to freeze but the alcohol to stay, like how BrewDog did it.

Scott: Ah, freeze distillation in that icy vacuum probably created one of the most powerful beers ever! I bet it tastes incredibly strong but still super hoppy, similar to those ancient BrewDog beers you mentioned. So how strong is it?

Ryan: I agree, it’s an h-bomb! Hop bomb, get it, get it? Anyway, you’re not gonna believe me when I say this but it’s 600% ABV.

Scott: Wow. I’m not even sure how that’s possible. Pretty strong, then.

Ryan: At least with our new cybernetic livers we can handle the alcohol content.

Scott: That’s true. It’s unfortunate that such technologies have rendered us unable to get drunk.

Ryan: What? Isn’t there an off switch or something? I didn’t read the manual.

And so ends a ridiculous conversation that did, in fact, actually happen. I swear.

9 Responses to “In the Year Two Thousaaaaand”
  1. Deb says:

    You and Ryan together…a scary thought!

  2. FIl says:

    You and Ryan ‘drinking’ together . . now THAT’s scary

  3. Ben says:

    this was awesome.

    • Scott says:

      Glad you liked it! I’m actually thinking about writing a more serious/dramatic look into the future of beer soon, so this probably won’t be the last you see of it.

  4. Scott says:

    Oh, in case anyone’s wondering, my wife, Erin, designed the labels. 😀

  5. Kris says:

    Sure glad I can enjoy the beers of this age, the future looks – umm kind of scary

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